I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
I’m very frond of you.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Don’t moss around.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
I beg your garden?
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
That’s a bit mulch.
Ants in your plants.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
All clover the world.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
In on the ground flora.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I’m rooting for you!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I beg your garden?
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
It’s party thyme.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.