What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I’m very frond of you.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
One more thyme.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Leaf me alone.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
In on the ground flora.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Your good seed for the day.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
All clover the world.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Let me plant one on ya!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
That’s a bit mulch.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?