Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
You’re my soul Santa.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.