Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
They say everything gets better with age.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.