My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
More candles means a bigger wish!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
They say everything gets better with age.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.