“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
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