“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
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