"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
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