"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
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