"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
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