“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
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