"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver