“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
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