“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
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