“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
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