"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
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