“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
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