“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
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