“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
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