“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
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