"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
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