“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
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