“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
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