“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
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