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time change Jokes

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Funny Parenting Quotes

Funny Money Quotes

Insane Timing

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient shrugs and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Elf Puns

Divorce Puns

Quotes

Just a Beetle...

A rich man just got his brand new Jaguar, equipped with everything. He was whistling to himself, enjoying the ride, when he encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change. While he was waiting, a tiny Beetle also drives up. The rich guy looked at the little car and couldn't help himself, he had to brag. "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, on-board computer control system, photo-chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, and this, and this..." At this point the Beetle owner interrupted. "That's nice, but do you have a hair blower in there?" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The rich man in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the car. A few days passed, and the rich man was looking for that Beetle, until he finally found it in another light. He got out of his car and quickly knocked on the other's window. "Yea?" Said the other man impatiently. "I got that hair blower too, now." said the rich man proudly. "Nice," the other man said, "but do you have THIS?" and he shows the rich guy a tiny microwave oven built into the dashboard. "N... no. I have to say I don't." "Well, talk to me when you have a REAL car, then!" and with that, the Beetle takes off. The rich man goes back to the dealership and this time has a special microwave AND an oven put into his car. Once again the Jaguar was at a traffic light when the man spotted the Beetle. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the car. After a few moments, the beetle owner poked his head out. "I installed an oven." said the rich man proudly. "That's nice,' the mini-man responded. "but did you have to interrupt my shower to tell me?"

The New Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say: "So, ah... how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

The Secret Cemetery Music

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Third Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."

What Time is It?

A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house. After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap. A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep. After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep. Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picks up a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep. The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"

Watermelon Puns

Toucan Puns

Grammar Puns

Fall Puns

Puns

The Cat Statue

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. Suddenly, he gazes upon the most stunning bronze statue of a Siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $200 for the statue and $2000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue." As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story." The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 2000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and never came out. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said, "I told you that you'd be back for the story!" "To heck with the story," gasps the man, "do you have a statue of a politician??"

When a Gyno Becomes a Mechanic

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said: "no, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."

Birthday Jokes

The Husband Test

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary and bleary eyes, she read: I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."

How Many Times Must You "Fall"?

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

The Timing Issue

A few decades ago, three prisoners were sitting in a Soviet gulag. One of them asks the two others: "So, what did you do to be put in here?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of trying to be show up my comrades. Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

Oral Hygiene Puns

The Bus Driver, the Mental Patients and the Manager

A big bus stops at a roadside eatery. The passengers flood inside the eatery and as they take their respective seats the driver calls the manager aside and explains, "Look sir, we're from the mental asylum down the road. I'm taking the inmates for a ride. When they're done eating they will insist on paying with bottle caps like they do inside. Please humor them and accept their payments. I'll clear the entire check at the end." So, as each passenger finishes eating and pays with bottle caps, the manager solemnly accepts them. After they were all seated in the bus, the driver approaches the manager who presents the bill to him. The driver carefully scans the bill. "Excellent! I'm grateful for your cooperation. You don't know how hard it is to handle these people. Now, would you have change for a hubcap?"

Password Puns

Our Daily Chicken

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up. After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news. The Pope replied: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Electricity Puns

Frank, the Perfect Man

A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!" Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow."

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch. ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged tone. CANNON'S KARMIC LAW If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Same goes for car lanes. BELL'S THEOREM The moment your body is immersed in water, the phone rings. RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. WILLOUGHBY'S LAW When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. BREDA'S RULE At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last. OWEN'S LAW As soon as you sit down for a hot cup of coffee, someone will want to talk to you until the precise moment your coffee is cold...

The Newlyweds, the Trousers and the Panties

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them to go as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

Rain Puns

Clean Jokes

Funny Animal Poems That Rhyme

The Good Samaritan

As Mrs. Jones went to the market, she realized upon arriving that she had lost her purse somewhere along the way. Feeling very upset, she started to walk back in the scant hope that it will still be where she dropped it. However, after 2 minutes, a boy comes running at her, holding her purse in his hands. "Is this yours, lady?" He cries at her "Yes it is!" She cried in joy. She was so happy she hugged the boy and opened the purse to see everything was there. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.” The boy replied, “Well, the last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward...”

The Toughest Time of My Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis, then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis... I don't know how I pulled through it all. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had!

The Boy, the Donkey and the Old Man

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

The Rabbi, the Priest and the Restaurant Bill

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other. The rabbi goes: "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!" Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already paid for it." Rabbi: "Sure, but the waiter won't believe you, right?" Priest: "Of course he won't. That's when you tell him how dare he doubt a man of faith? It usually works and you can leave without paying." Rabbi: "Very nice, I'll be trying this." Later that day, the rabbi goes to his favorite kosher restaurant. After eating 5 plates, the waiter comes up to him with the bill. Rabbi: "Oh, I already paid." Waiter: "Mmm, I'm pretty sure you did not sir." Rabbi: "You know I'm a rabbi, how dare you doubt a man of faith? I told you, I already paid." Waiter: "So sorry sir, you are right, it must be some misunderstanding, you're good to go." 15 minutes goes by and the rabbi is still at the table. 30 minutes... 45 minutes... 1 hour and he is still there! The waiter walks up to him: "Sir, why are you still here?" Rabbi: "Well, I'm waiting for the change!"

Be More Tactful Next Time

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"

Granny's Day on the Highway

Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lot of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma

A Man, an Ostrich and Exact Change

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please." So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then the ostrich said, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich. A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table. The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man. The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighed, paused, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

This Nun Needs Help

A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ..." "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let's go inside and settle this" "No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn "nun" out there again!?!"

I'm Gonna Get Some Work Done

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck - you name it, she had it. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" "Oh, " Said God. "I didn't recognize you."

Why Fishing is Better Than Dating

Why is FISHING better than DATING? WELL... You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises. When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie at the minimum. And don't forget - Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle!

Funny Marriage Quotes

The Physics of Hell

At a Physics course at a University, many years ago, the professor thought to give his students the following assignment to answer: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A+"

The Ghostly Advice

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know. When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life. That bastard had a twin.

Funny Love Quotes

Which One Do You Save?

A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo. Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?" The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!" A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?" The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you." The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?" Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"

Time For Him to Know the Truth

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They sleep with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

Real Estate Puns

Mango Puns

Third Time's the Charm

A woman walks into a bar. He’s very inebriated, so she stumbles to the bartender. ‟I will have a whiskey schlour!” she slurs ‟I can’t serve you ma'am, you’ve had too much.” The barkeep informs her. Looking disgruntled, she walks out the front door. A few minutes later she walks in through the side entrance. ‟Barkeep, give me Gin and Ginger.” she hiccups. ‟As I told you before, I can’t serve you, would you like me to get you a cab?” The bartender says patiently. Looking quizzically at the bartender, she shakes his head and stumbles out. A few minutes later she walks in the front door again. ‟Give me Blue Motorcycle!” she demands. ‟Look ma'am’ the bartender says sternly, having lost his patience, ”if you do not let me call you a cab, I’m going to have to call the police.‟ She peers at him with red, blurry eyes and mumbles, ”How many friggin' bars do you work at??‟

Funny Tongue Twisters

Hard to Hear

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. And do you know what?" "What?" asked the doctor. "I've changed my will three times!"

Gnome Puns

10th Time Lucky?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but why?" "Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

The Unexpected Windfall

A woman got up and out of bed and stretched and a penny fell out of her privates. She thought it was odd but kept on with her morning routine. She went to put on a pot of coffee and a nickel fell out of her privates. She was concerned but continued her morning routine. She drank her coffee and went to brush her teeth when a dime fell out of her privates. She really was getting concerned and thought to herself, "if anything else happens, I'm calling the doctor!". She got dressed and started to tidy up the house, and a quarter fell out of her privates and rolled down her pant leg. Concerned, she called her doctor. She told him.....a penny, a nickel, a dime an then a quarter. "No need to worry," He said "you're just going through the change."

Oh, to Be a Prawn Again

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I were a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." Then a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" - and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark! Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old sea mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian."

Doggie Nap Time

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'

A Human Loving Alien

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat... "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because it's a space bar."

What Reincarnation is All About

A soldier is reading a book while off duty when he sees his sergeant coming. Everyone hated sergeant Thompson, he always had a big stick up his bum. "Private." "Sergeant Thompson, Sir!" the soldier said, standing up smartly. "At ease." The soldier gladly returned to his book... until he realized the sergeant is still standing over him, staring at the cover. "Yes, Sarge?" "What's that rubbish you're reading there, private? Re..incar..nation? What's that all about?" "Well," smiles the soldier, "It's pretty simple sir. Say you died, God forbid, and we buried you. Then a few months later grass grew on that plot of land. Then a cow came and ate that grass. As nature dictates, a few hours later it passes it through its stomachs and dumps it out on the ground... Then I would walk by and say: "Hey Sarge, you haven't changed a bit!""

Olympic Colors

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms. Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife. "Olympic condoms?" she asks him. "What makes them Olympic, exactly?" "Well," answers her husband, "They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks with a smile. "Gold, of course!" proclaims her husband proudly. "Really," ponders the wife, "Why don't you wear Silver?" "Why silver?" asks the husband. "Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."

One Liners and Short Jokes

The Diamond Necklace

A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window. She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it. Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day. A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is. She angrily calls his cell phone. "Where the hell are you?!?" she yells. "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?" "Yeah, I remember that my love!" she replies, smiling and blushing as she does, her anger changing to euphoria. "I'm in the bar just next to that shop."

A Prawn's Journey

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area. Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time." As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark. Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend. As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached. It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more. With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again." Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner." Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."

A Blond Changes Hair Color

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Those Darn Time Differences

One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign. "Why?" Putin asks him "Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences! I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow. "Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"

Heart Puns

True Answers About Retirement!

Question: How many days are there in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time."There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!" Groucho Marx Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Idiot Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Lunch. "I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." Danny McGorty Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday, I rest. "I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day." Gene Perret

Travel Quotes

How Life Changes Over 25 Years

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

The Time Keeper's Problem

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon. When it's almost noon she looks at her watch and right when it strikes 12pm she blows the whistle. One day she bumps her watch against something and she fears that it is a little off. Wanting to make sure that she can do her job correctly she decides to go get her watch set by a professional clock maker. The woman goes to the shop and has the clock maker set her watch to the correct time. She tells the clock maker what she does for a living and that it is important that her watch keeps correct time. The clock maker tells her that she needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am. The woman leaves the shop satisfied... but starts to ask herself... "How does the church know exactly when it is 6am?" So she goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time. The bell ringer tells her that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am. "I'm sure my watch is accurate." He reassures her. "I check it every day at noon when the factory goes on break."

Spring Puns

Basketball Puns

The a Problem With the Migratory Bird

According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv". Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Anti Pick Up Lines

The Trucker and His Emu

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'Then what's with the emu?!?' The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big rump and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Hair Puns

It's So Cold.... One Liners

A Friendly Suggestion

A man bumps into an old high school friend he hadn't seen for a number of years. His old friend was notorious for bragging back in high school - about his possessions, achievements and relationships, so he wondered if much had changed in the time since he last saw him. It wasn't long before the man realized his old friend hadn't changed much at all - on and on he rambled, talking about his amazing job, his huge mansion and the new Porsche he'd just bought himself. At one point, the old friend pulls out a photograph of his wife and shows it to the man. "She's beautiful, isn't she?" the old friend asks. "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend," replies his exhausted friend. "Why? Is she a stunner too?" "No, she's an optometrist."

The Golfers and the Late Tee Time

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. They start getting really upset as time goes on, as they have reserved the time weeks in advance. Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 25 minutes!" Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!" Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!" (silence) Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Golf Puns

Moon Puns

Mermaid Puns

The Way it Used to Be

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather. He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change." Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents. "Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!" "Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy. "Too many bloody cameras."

The Old Switcheroo...

George came home from University in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?" "No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?" George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" he replied. "What do you mean?" she asked. "It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him." "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."

How Many Lawyers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, step-stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

Jokes For Women

My Dear, Let Me Confess

An old football player was dying. So he called his wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. I must confess. I cheated on you twice throughout our marriage. Please forgive me." His wife says: "I forgive you my love. But I have to confess, I too have cheated on you, 3 times." "Three you say?" Said the husband, feeling like she cheated a bit more than him. "Who were they?" "Well," said his wife sweetly. "Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team." Her husband was alarmed but he was thankful she did it for him. "Who else?" "Well, do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times." "You did WHAT?!" He spluttered. She continue, "And do you remember during matching nobody in town encouraged you? Well.."

It Only Takes a Sermon

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments. After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it." "You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked. "No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat."

Birthday Puns

A Middle-Aged Woman At the Doctor's

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh" "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through the change."

Space Puns

Soup Puns

Water Puns

The Priest's Theory

A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles. He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.' The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?' Liam replies, 'No, Father. I need to clarify something.' The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Liam. What is it?' Liam asks, 'Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it.' The Priest smiles and replied, 'Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself... "I'LL ALTER HIM."

A Bizarre Request

A man walks into the doctor's office and says: "Doctor, my name is Mark, and I'd like to be castrated." "What? Are you sure about this? Why?" asks the doctor, amazed. "It's something I've been considering a long time and I'd like to have it done" replies Mark. "But have you thought it through? REALLY through?" asks the concerned doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind, so please book me in to be castrated or I'll simply use another doctor." "Well, OK," says the doctor, "But I'll have you know that it's against my better judgment!" So Mark has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Mark," It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Yes, it seems like it," said the patient. "As for me, I finally decided after 37 years of life that it was time for me to be circumcised." Mark stared at him in horror and screamed: "Darn it! THAT was the word!!!"

Medical Puns

Advice From Murphy

A few Murphy Laws and Advice... Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy. The road to success??.. Is always under construction. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening. Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak. Everyone has a scheme of getting rich.. Which never works. If at first you don't succeed.. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried. You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side. Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner. 42.7% of all statistics are made on the spot. If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls. After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other. The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

A Cadilac With Everything

A few decades ago, a man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." "What features does it have?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Music Jokes

What Do I look like?

One day a husband comes home from work. His wife greets him and says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" "What do I look like," He says, "Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! What did he charge?" he says. "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Cheeky! Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Wine Puns

Witty Horoscope Quotes