Jokes > Search Results > metal detecting

metal detecting Jokes

metal detecting Jokes and more.
Garden Puns
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Clean Jokes
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
Summer Puns
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
The a Problem With the Migratory Bird
According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv". Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
Puns
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Fish Puns
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Wind Puns
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Thanksgiving Puns
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Rock Music Jokes
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Marriage Puns
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Tableware Puns
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
One Liners and Short Jokes
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Avocado Puns
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Utensils Puns
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
The New Element of 'Administratium'
Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".
Detectives in Training
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
The Hillbilly and the Whistles
A man who had spent his whole life in the countryside visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the hillbilly, "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?" "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
Real Estate Puns
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Monster Puns
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
The Miracle Man
The police detectives were having trouble determining whether or not their suspects were guilty. They just couldn't get them to confess. After hearing word of a telepath who is able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him. They bring the first suspect in, and instantly the man says, “This person has committed murder. He murdered a pizza man delivering to his house.” Speechless, the police start to think this man is the real deal. “He has to be telling the truth,” they say to each other. “We haven’t told him anything about the case.” They bring another suspect in, and instantly the man says, “this man is innocent, and has committed no crimes. He was framed of burglary by his next door neighbor, Bill Summers.” The cops are dumbfounded. “How does he know? We haven’t told him anything about the case!” The cops are a bit skeptical, and decide to make a little test. They bring in a beautiful woman they know to have not committed a felony. An officer enters the room with her, and instantly the man says, “This woman has committed theft.” The officer, knowing this is a lie, tell the man, “We knew it! We brought her in to truly test your abilities, and clearly you're a fraud!” They dismiss the woman. “I would catch up to her if I were you,” says the man. “And why is that?” Asks the officer. “Because she stole your wallet.”
An Experienced Genie
A man goes for a leisurely stroll on the beach when he suddenly trips on something and falls. Getting up, he notices he tripped on something metallic. He pulls it out and to his surprise it's an old lamp! He starts to brush it, thinking it might brings a few coins at the market, when suddenly a great rush of blue smoke comes pouring out of the lamp and becomes 7 feet tall genie! The genie thunders: "You have awakened me, Oh Master! You can ask two wishes of me, and I will make them come true." After a moment of shock, the man settles to think.  "Only two?" he asks. "I heard that it is usually THREE wishes!" "Look in your pants." said the genie. The man looks inside his pants and gives a shriek. "My God, I'm... I'm ENORMOUS!" "Not my first time." smiled the genie.
Music Puns
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Hand Puns
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Clever Jokes
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Witch Puns
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
Ancient Greek Monster Puns
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Mouth Puns
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Blondes Put to the Test
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds, then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers: "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE. Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated by this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it - it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
Frankenstein Puns
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Potato Puns
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Mother Puns
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"

She said: "Either ore."
Dad Jokes
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
The FBI and is Serious Business
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her.' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last one, a woman, was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,' he panted. 'I had to do it the hard way.'
Table Puns
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Cheese Puns
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
The New Secretary
Kevin gets a New Secretary. A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions. Emma (Kevin's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?" Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice." Emma: "What color are her eyes?" Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check." Emma: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?" Kevin: “Not a clue in the world." Emma: "Does she have a local accent?” Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.” Emma: "How does she dress?" Kevin: "Very quickly.” Kevin's funeral will be held on Tuesday.
Flower Puns
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Dog Puns
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
The Lie-Sniffing Robot
A man bought a lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar. He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him. DAD: Son where were you today during school hours? SON: "At school." Robot slaps son. "Ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!" DAD: "Which one?" SON: Harry Potter Robot slaps son again. "Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching an adult movie, okay?" DAD: "What?? When I was your age I didn’t even know those existed!" Robot slaps Dad. MOM: "Hahaha! He's your son, after all!" Robot slaps mother.
Animal Puns
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Duck Puns
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
One Liners for Kids
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
History Puns
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Researching the Fiancé
An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony. But, being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men. After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this: "Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."
Cake Puns
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Closet Puns
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Dolphin Puns
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
The Blond Detective
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind. "Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "Hey Chad! How was it?" "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Band Puns
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Science Puns
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
It's So Cold.... One Liners
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!