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jlp1 diet Jokes

jlp1 diet Jokes and more.
Deer Puns
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
The Recommended Treatment
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!" "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me??" asked the man. "Well... no." The doctor replied. "But it's the only food we can get under the door."
Wine Puns
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Cheese Puns
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Funny Break Up Lines
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
Break Up Lines
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
Some of the Funniest Lines in History...
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“ Unknown “I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:  ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".  Eleanor Roosevelt “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”  George Burns “Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.” Victor Borge “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” Mark Twain “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”  Jimmy Durante  “The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and  kindness, can be trained to do most things.”  Jilly Cooper  “I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”   “I was always a good housekeeper.  Whenever I divorced I always kept  the house.”  Zsa Zsa Gabor  “Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food  groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”  Alex Levine  “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop  dying.”  Ed Furgol  “Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant  form of misery.”  Spike Milligan  “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the  position.” Mark Twain “Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.” Herbert Henry Asquith  “I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my  nap.”  Bob Hope  “A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank  her.”  W C Fields “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”  George Burns  “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”  Unknown  “Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will  avoid you.”  Unknown  Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”  Unknown  “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go  anywhere.”  Unknown
Cake Puns
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Tennis Puns
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
An Overweight Blonde Visits a Doctor...
A blonde became terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by being nearly 20 pounds lighter. "Why, that's amazing!" The doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" He asked, puzzled. "No, from the skipping."
Goat Puns
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Driving Quotes
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
The Lord's Hunter
A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season. "Godda**it," the hunter muttered. Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air! No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth. As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden. Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak. "Whoa." Then, from above him, a voice boomed: ”YOU'RE WELCOME."
Bread Puns
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Donut Puns
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Utensils Puns
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Snow Puns
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Anti Pick Up Lines
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
Frog Puns
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Garden Puns
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Salt Puns
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Fruit Puns
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Food Quotes
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Food puns
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Ghoul Puns
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
The Unhealthiest Food...
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition. "The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said: "Wedding Cake?"
Funny Parenting Quotes
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”

- Carrie Underwood.
Puns
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Tiger Puns
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Ghost Puns
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Funny Health Quotes
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
Space Puns
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Nuts Puns
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Witch Puns
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Banana puns
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Spice Puns
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Milk Puns
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Italy Puns
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
Quotes
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Mango Puns
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Juice Puns
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
If I Had a Dollar... Jokes
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.