I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.