Yo momma so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
The Barman and the Jackass
I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in.
The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down.
Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer.
A little later, the bartender yelled, “Hey Jackass! You want a menu?” The man said “No.”
After a few more beers, the bartender said, “Hey Jackass! That will be $24.50.” The man paid and started to get up.
I stopped him and asked, “Why does he keep calling you Jackass?”
The man looked at me, smiled and said, “ Oh…. Hee Haw Hee Haw Hee Halways calls me that.”
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
The Non-Kosher Rabbi
An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant. It’s not a kosher place, but he thinks “what the heck, why not? I should try one time in my life” He asks for a seat outside.
He looks at the menu, and decides if he’s gonna eat non-Kosher food, he’s going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an apple in its mouth.
The dish comes out, and just as the waiter is setting it as his table, the rabbi sees one of his congregants walking towards him on the sidewalk. The rabbi is terrified of being caught.
Panicking, he shouts out “Would you look how they serve an apple here??”
Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water...
One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's restaurant.
Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:
They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order.
Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"
"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter. "Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?"
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” Buddy Hackett
The Sunday School Teacher
I went out on a blind date with a woman I met online.
So I went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin.
I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, just gorgeous. I couldn't believe my luck.
I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.
On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.
"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children?"
I said okay, not everyone's idea of a good time. I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.
I said "you don't drink?!?"
"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children?"
Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.
So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:
"Wanna get a room and knock boots?"
She says: "I thought you'd never ask!"
I say: "Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?"
She says: "The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!"
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."
"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender.
"But all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures,and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip." he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my
menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."