“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
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