"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
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