"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
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