"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
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