"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
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