"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
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