“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
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