“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
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