“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
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