"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
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