"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
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