“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
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