Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
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