"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"Time wounds all heels."
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