“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Time wounds all heels."
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
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