"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Time wounds all heels."
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
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