“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
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