“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
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