"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
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