"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
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