“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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