“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
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