“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
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