By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
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