"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
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