“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
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