“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
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