"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
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