“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
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