“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
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