If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
The temperature can only go up from here.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
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