On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
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