I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Every mile is two in winter.”
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
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