"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Monday should be optional.”
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
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