"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
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