“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
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