“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
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