"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
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