Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
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