“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
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