Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"Time wounds all heels."
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
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