"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
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