“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
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