“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
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