“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
The temperature can only go up from here.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
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