"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
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