"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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