“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
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