"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
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