"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
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