“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
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