"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"Time wounds all heels."
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
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