“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
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