"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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