“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
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