“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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