“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
The temperature can only go up from here.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
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