“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
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