“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
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