“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
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