"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
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