“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
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