“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
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