"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
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