"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
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