"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
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