“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
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