“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
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