“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
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