"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
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