"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
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