"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
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