"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
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