“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
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