"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
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