"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
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