"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling