"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
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