"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings