"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
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