"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
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