"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
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