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im not a baker Jokes

im not a baker Jokes and more.
Family Puns
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Guitar Puns
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What Do I Look Like to You?
A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?" "What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep. A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown. A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?" "What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!" He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of." He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife. "Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him." "Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?" "What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"
Bread Puns
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Funny Break Up Lines
Roses are red

Violets are blue

Girl its been fun

But im leaving you
Bacon Puns
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Toaster Puns
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Love Puns
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Nerdy Pick Up Lines
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Funny Summer Quotes
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Tax Quotes
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Orange Puns
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Corona Virus Jokes
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
What’s Your Name, Sailor?
A crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face in his unit and barked at him immediately. “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?” “John,” the new seaman replied. “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’" He gave him a threatening glare honed by years of experience. "Do I make myself clear?” “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!” “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?” The seaman sighed. “Darling, my name is John Darling, Master Chief.” “Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do...”
Deer Puns
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
Password Puns
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Are You Pick Up Lines
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Fall Puns
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Cat Puns
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Travel Quotes
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
Tableware Puns
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Breakfast Puns
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Donut Puns
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Cake Puns
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Divorce Puns
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Poop Puns
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Mother Puns
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Hair Puns
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Avocado Puns
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Peach Puns
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Monster Puns
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Little Johnny's Father
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today." The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny." The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very good," the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, "My dad is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
Dad Knows Best
A small town man decides to go to the city. He's a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there's nothing for it and heads in. Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are. "Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any bread, John makes it for him." The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a small grin he replies "No, mine is better!" And off he went to get the bread. Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. "Why this is Ted's Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any beer, Ted makes it for him." The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a bigger grin he replies "no, mine is better!" and off he went to get some beer. At their final stop, the butcher's shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. "So then Dad..." his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly. "Yes that's right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn't made any sausages...." he trails off. "... Tom makes them for you?" She asks hesitantly. "Yes that's right! You are a smart one!" He exclaimed. "And yours are better!!" She shouts. Beaming with pride he says "Exactly!" And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom. On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. "Hey Dad!" Exclaimed the little one. "It's Pete the Postman!" "Yes that's right" said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued "but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can't do what Pete does." "Oh yes!" she replied, "Mum says so too!"