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Not

My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:
I'm not letting you out.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.