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german un Jokes

german un Jokes and more.
Clever Jokes
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
The UN Goes German
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
This Englishman's Wishes
An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were all sentenced to 50 whip lashes each. On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced: "It's my wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 20 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 35 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly. The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a part of the world I really like. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 50, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. Would you like pillows as well?" The Englishman smiled and said, "Nah, just tie the Frenchman and the German to my back."
Flight Puns
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
The International Survey
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure, because... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
A Different Type of Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at the Italian Hell a long line of people are waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
France Puns
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"

German Dude: "German".

Airport Guy: "Occupation?"

German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Medical Puns
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
One Liners and Short Jokes
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Phone Puns
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Pig Puns
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Diving Puns
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
The European Afterlife
European Heaven is where: All the cops are British, All the wine is French, All the cars are German, All the lovers are Italian, The weather is Greek, And everything is organized by the Swiss. European Hell is where: All the cops are French, All the wine is German, All the cars are Greek, All the lovers are Swiss, The weather is British, And everything is organized by the Italians.
Halloween Limericks
Once upon a Halloween night,

A coven of witches took flight;

They went to the UN;

Added an “F” to UN.,

From then on the world’s future was more bright.
Ancient Rome Puns
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Dog Puns
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Beer Puns
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
When Putin and Kim Jong-Un Meet
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards. First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down." Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out. Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!" Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
The Mute German Boy
An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
Garden Puns
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Dolphin Puns
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Computer Puns
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
Hiking Pick Up Lines
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
Cowboy Puns
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Boat Puns
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Tick Tock, Tick Tock...
Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter. Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance. "Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grandfazer clock you have outside above your door.” “Nein colonel, I am sorry, but zat grandfazer clock is not for sale. It is a showpiece of ze little shop." she answers. "Frauline, don’t gif me that! You know who I am, and ven I say I vant zat grandfazer clock, you give me ze bloody grandfazer clock!" he retorts impatiently. "Colonel, vhy vould you vant zat clock anyvay? It is broken. It does not vork!" she says. “Vhy frauline? Vhat is wrong with ze clock?" he asks. "Colonel, ze pendulum only svings von vay, ze bloody thing only goes TICK, TICK, TICK and it cannot go TOCK." she answers. He gets a grin on his face and says "Haha, don't you vorry about zat frauline! Vhere ve come from, ve haf vays of making it TOCK!"
Puns
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
Travel Pick Up Lines
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
Turkey Puns
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Respective Developments
Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked and murmurs of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun." The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean." It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting was in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."
Love Puns
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
Wifi Puns
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Lemon Puns
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Panda Puns
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
Chocolate Puns
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Dad Jokes
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Orange Puns
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Utensils Puns
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
An Italian Under Interrogation
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII. One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I've had it." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. Three days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by two soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago. He's a real man, not like you girls." The other two are shocked and amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. He didn't strike them as so formidable. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "The bastards tied my hands behind my back!"
Cowboy Jokes
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Egg Puns
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
St. Patrick's Day Puns
You are un-beer-lievable!
Deer Puns
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Food puns
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Cat Puns
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Funny Tongue Twisters
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Do I Really Need to Do That, Father?
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
The English Prisoner
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing." The German replied, "Yeah that will not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time." "Yeah, that will be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before." The German replies, "Ok." Next day the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." "NO!" Snapped the German. "We think you are trying to escape!"
Salad Puns
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Can You See Me Now?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Tableware Puns
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Greece Puns
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Winter Puns
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Spice Puns
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Yard Puns
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.