“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Summer should get a speeding ticket
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