“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
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