"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
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