“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
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